Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am available for nakedness
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
