just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
