My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
