I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
