its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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