So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
