Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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