Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
