Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
