I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
