I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
