So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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