At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
