how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize