i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
