where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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