I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
