Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
