I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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