Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
