After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
