I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
