Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Send help, water and tortillas.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
