T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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