As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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