i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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