I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
