Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
