Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
