Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
