The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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