Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
