Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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