my shit smells like andre
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
