Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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