So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
