my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
