a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
