So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
