How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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