My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
