is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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