smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
