Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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