when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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