Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
