I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
