boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
