Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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