Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
