We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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