I CAN MOONWALK!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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