I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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