I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
