he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
