I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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