She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
