Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
