Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My breasts were aching with rage.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
