i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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